Wednesday, December 30, 2015

2016

I don't like New Years and I'll tell you why.

My father died thirty years ago.  I was seven years old and shielded from the severity of his illness.  I understood something terrible was wrong but I still didn't understand his death.  I felt pain but didn't cry.  I was scared.

It is hard to believe that 30 years after he died I still miss him.  The pain is still there and it still hurts to think of him.  It hurts in the pit of my stomach.

I wonder what life would have been like had he lived.  Would I be living in Vancouver?  Would I have become who I am today?  What would he think of my life?  Would he be proud of me?

I wish so much that I could see him, talk to him, tell him what I have done...every single day.  For thirty years I have thought about him everyday, day after day.  

My mother and father went on a trip to Europe when I was quite young.  My grandmother stayed with my siblings and me when my parents were travelling.  The evening they arrived home I was allowed to stay up late to wait for them.  When they came through the front door I either jumped into my father's arms or he grabbed me and gave me a big hug.  His face was rough from not shaving and he smelled like old spice.  I cried from happiness that my dad was home to keep to protecting me.

I will never be able to capture the emptiness that will always live in my heart.  I miss him.

May 2016 bring joy, happiness and fresh start for all of us.  Let us learn from the past, appreciate the present and work hard for a better future.

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