I'm feeling the power of 20 pounds.
I have had a few false starts wanting to train for a triathlon. Swimming was great and I got sick and went away for Christmas. Cycling was good but the weather changed and running. Running never really got going again.
The consistent element over these past few months has been the gym and my dedication to gaining muscles and strength. It has felt good to gain weight and I am noticing a difference. I like how I look. I like how I feel. I feel good about myself and it shows through in my interactions with others. Men notice me now. It is a good thing.
I have always struggled with the differing pressures in my life as a gay athlete. The voice of my coach and teammates telling me to stay thin, lean and light clashing with the men I find so attractive who would not show me the whites of their eyes for fear of an awkward silence or an unwanted flirtation. Now that I am not competing or training I feel the best I have ever felt about my body. I feel strong and hot.
Though I am feeling good about myself and am pleased with the direction my life has taken me I still have what I consider unfinished business. I have not completed Ironman. This is a dream of mine and something I want to complete in the next few years. How do I balance my competitive nature with the freedom I have found being a normal person and not an athlete?
I have returned to the pool. I have been skate skiing (a lot). I am itching to get on my bike for a good long ride. I am still in the gym. I am eating enough. I feel good. The stop start journey continues.