Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Crush

I used to have a crush on running, now it is a man.

There was a time in the not so distant past when I had a sizable crush on running. I would lay in bed at night and dream of all the things we would do together. I would think of the trips we would have, the great times that would be had and the long hours we would spend together. The only thing I needed was running in my life and I was happy. I could not imagine a life without the constant steady companion of running.

My life has changed with running and I growing apart. We are still friends and see each other regularly. We do not spend as much time together as we once did but the time we do spend together is quality time. I am sure there will come a time when our relationship will get closer and we will spend more time together but for now I think we need a break. I need to see other people.

In our lives we constantly meet and interact with new people. Living in the city means I have access to many men of different ages, styles and backgrounds. I have been on many dates and have met many men through my involvement with Vancouver's gay sporting organizations. It is rare that I meet someone who hits my heart. It is rare that I get a crush on a man like my crush on running.

I met someone who I cannot get off my mind. It has been a few weeks and it seems like this is unrequited but still, I just cannot get him out of my head. This is not like a race or running. When I was running competitively I always had an end point and an action to get me to my goal. If there was a race I had a series of workouts. I had my goal race and the action plan to get there. With a man crush there is no action plan. I can call and text and e-mail but at a certain point I become a stalker. If I leave a message in his voice mail then I must wait. I must sit and wait. I must sit and wait until nothing comes back.

This is very difficult. I am a man of action. I set a goal and I develop a plan to accomplish the goal. With running this was easy although a lot of work. With dating and relationships there are no action plans that bring love. It does not matter what an individual does if their object of affection is indifferent to the whole affair.

I have been trying to distract myself with other things (men) but it seems shallow and uninspiring. When I start to chat with them and get to know them I think of my crush. I think of the way he laughs. I think of his scent. I think of the way he rides his bicycle, strong and free. I see his beautiful piercing eyes and mischievous grin. I get lost remembering our conversations and time together and I then know it is time to say goodnight to my distraction. I walk home alone dreaming of the times we could spend together. I go to bed alone and wonder what the future holds for both of us. I wonder if the future is for us together.

I am hoping for some distractions from this unrequited crush. I am filling my days with activities and friends. I am on holidays from work and have managed to fill my days with activities I could not complete when I was running. Today I have my first ever tennis lesson! For the meantime it is the only action plan I can think of to cure this crush.

Happy Training!

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