Sunday, September 18, 2011

Ski Boots, Tennis Lessons and Pool Time

I have a lot of energy at baseline. I find it hard to focus and I am normally a bit jittery. I find it very difficult to sit in one place for an extended period of time. Running was a type of medication that calmed me and filled me with an exhaustion that allowed me to focus. With that sedative effect gone I am going madly off in all directions.

To match my energy I also have a good basket of interests. This fall I have reignited my relationship with tennis and I am very much looking forward to getting on the snow (I am wearing my new downhill ski boots as I write this). I find my days filled with sport and activity with my evenings filled with friends and fun. I have the energy to be active during the day and then go out at night. This is a revelation.

What I am finding interesting and exciting is my lack of desire to run or race. Let me explain. Deciding to stop training is very scary. The years of work to get fit can be lost in a month of a sedentary lifestyle. When I decided to stop training I was worried that I would miss running and racing once I had lost my fitness. I have lost my fitness and I have also gained a bit of weight and I have no desire to race. Even though cross country season has started I do not want to lace up some spikes to hit the grass. I am excited to have some other distractions!

It is hard to imagine, when totally engulfed in a passion, a time when that drive will not be present. I can recall laying in bed at night during university and thinking that there will never be a time when I will not compete as a runner. I had visions of running as a masters runner and training into my 40s. As one passion has lost its hold over me I am content to let it go. I am actually starting to revel in my new found freedom from heavy training. I was able to stay up until 2 am on Saturday morning without having to worry about negatively impacting my workout Saturday morning. I constantly have to remind myself that I do not have to go to bed early because I am not going to get up and train in the morning. With my passion for running on hold I wonder if the same works for crushes and love.

I believe that all passions wane. My last post was about a crush I had this summer. As the days go by with no contact and not seeing him my perspective on the situation changes. A friend of mine asked me about this gentleman and I had no idea who he was talking about. The name no longer registered as related to a crush. I can look back on the event as exciting and filled with potential yet in the past. Despite a promise made I am doubtful to hear from my crush, and I am fine with that.

In line with getting over a crush I have stopped dating and have ended my relationship with electronic dating aids. I could write a blog solely based on my bad dating experiences through electronic means. I generally find this process demoralizing, degrading and generally awful. Experience gained so long as I can remember this in 6 months when I am still single and lonely and I go through the whole process again.

Looking forward I am back with my swim club and I am excited to be training in the pool. I am doing quite a bit of weights and I'm really looking forward to ski season. Running is on the back burner and if I can get out a couple times a week I am satisfied. I may increase the times I run during the week but this will depend on the other activities I am doing. I am mostly looking forward to skiing!

Happy Training!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

The Crush

I used to have a crush on running, now it is a man.

There was a time in the not so distant past when I had a sizable crush on running. I would lay in bed at night and dream of all the things we would do together. I would think of the trips we would have, the great times that would be had and the long hours we would spend together. The only thing I needed was running in my life and I was happy. I could not imagine a life without the constant steady companion of running.

My life has changed with running and I growing apart. We are still friends and see each other regularly. We do not spend as much time together as we once did but the time we do spend together is quality time. I am sure there will come a time when our relationship will get closer and we will spend more time together but for now I think we need a break. I need to see other people.

In our lives we constantly meet and interact with new people. Living in the city means I have access to many men of different ages, styles and backgrounds. I have been on many dates and have met many men through my involvement with Vancouver's gay sporting organizations. It is rare that I meet someone who hits my heart. It is rare that I get a crush on a man like my crush on running.

I met someone who I cannot get off my mind. It has been a few weeks and it seems like this is unrequited but still, I just cannot get him out of my head. This is not like a race or running. When I was running competitively I always had an end point and an action to get me to my goal. If there was a race I had a series of workouts. I had my goal race and the action plan to get there. With a man crush there is no action plan. I can call and text and e-mail but at a certain point I become a stalker. If I leave a message in his voice mail then I must wait. I must sit and wait. I must sit and wait until nothing comes back.

This is very difficult. I am a man of action. I set a goal and I develop a plan to accomplish the goal. With running this was easy although a lot of work. With dating and relationships there are no action plans that bring love. It does not matter what an individual does if their object of affection is indifferent to the whole affair.

I have been trying to distract myself with other things (men) but it seems shallow and uninspiring. When I start to chat with them and get to know them I think of my crush. I think of the way he laughs. I think of his scent. I think of the way he rides his bicycle, strong and free. I see his beautiful piercing eyes and mischievous grin. I get lost remembering our conversations and time together and I then know it is time to say goodnight to my distraction. I walk home alone dreaming of the times we could spend together. I go to bed alone and wonder what the future holds for both of us. I wonder if the future is for us together.

I am hoping for some distractions from this unrequited crush. I am filling my days with activities and friends. I am on holidays from work and have managed to fill my days with activities I could not complete when I was running. Today I have my first ever tennis lesson! For the meantime it is the only action plan I can think of to cure this crush.

Happy Training!