When it comes to running and life sometimes we sabotage our own best efforts.
I remember the time I decided to paint my ceiling the Friday before Sun Run. That was not a wise decision and I wound up being barely able to pick up my flats before the race. This was not intentional yet it was still self sabotaging behavior that led to a sub par result when I was primed for a fast time.
In life we are constantly sabotaging our efforts to achieve the goals we have set out for ourselves. It is the fat person eating a pizza and drinking 2 litres of Pepsi. Yes the person knows that they are fat and eating too much leads to obesity but they still self sabotage. Their obesity in some way comforts them and thus they continue to participate in the habits or activities that maintain that security blanket.
I am starting to realize that I sabotage many parts of my life without even seeing it. It almost seems like it is a deep seated trait that I can not avoid. It can be quite insidious or extremely blatant. This weekend mine was more blatant than I am accustomed to. It has been somewhat upsetting but is now in the past. I have to learn (and I have learned greatly from this weekend) what not to do when offered the opportunity to experience something new.
As per my usual I have been thinking a lot about love and romance and dating over the past 3 or 4 months. I have worked really hard to meet men and I have been on many, many dates culminating in meeting a man who I thought was quite wonderful. In my life the feeling is never mutual and consequently I find myself in my usual place. I am very happy and on my own. Having never been in a long term romantic relationship or even been to the point of calling someone my boyfriend I wonder 'will a long term relationship make this better?'
Does my tendency to sabotage correspond to a potential worry of a partner making this life worse? There is a saying 'better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all'. When my friends would find themselves in pickles of situations with their boyfriends/girlfriends I would always remind them that things could be worse, that without the pain of now they could never have had the joy and love of days gone by. This was not comforting to any of my friends and soon was taken out of a repertoire of 'phrases for break-ups'. Maybe losing love wipes out the initial value it held. Although all my friends have tried and/or are trying to find love again. Maybe the saying was right after all.
I also acknowledge that being in a relationship is hard. I would find it very difficult to think of planning to take 2 (of 3) weeks of vacation to visit my imaginary boyfriend's family in some shitty city in the middle of nowhere. I cannot imagine planning my year around his needs or adjusting my (now flexible) schedule to accommodate his whim or preference. My friend tells me that when you are in love it does not matter where you go so long as you are with your lover. She relates that the shittiest city in the fucking worst place on earth is wonderful when you are there and you are in love.
What I hear is that "the greatest gift you will ever receive is just to love and be loved in return". I realized this morning that I am tired of wanting this thing called love. I am tired of wanting it but I sometimes sabotage my efforts to gain this magical thing. Generally I think I am pretty good to put myself out there and give it a try. The very few times it has begun to work (and I mean very few) I fucked up. The sabotage needs to stop if I am to fall in love although I still would prefer to stop wanting.
I guess the only way to stop wanting love is to have love.