The balance I so wanted is slowly slipping away.
As I find myself running faster and getting more involved in the running world I can feel myself getting further away from the gay world. I spent another Saturday night at home alone quietly relaxing while the homos partied, danced and got into a bit of fun. While my gay friends are waking up just about now, I have already checked in on the Scotia Half, done my long run and tidied up my apartment.
While out on my long run this morning I did realize that I would much prefer to get out early and have a non hungover run. When I was at the hour point of my run I was thinking how nice it was that I had gone to bed early the night before. I was also thinking about half marathons, marathons and hard long training runs. I was imagining placing on the podium at the Scotia Half next year and getting into shape for Victoria this fall. My mind has gone to the runners.
I feel very conflicted. As I see my peers, both running friends and gay friends, move through relationships in a rhythm similar to a strong running stride I feel somehow left out. I have a really good life and I am very happy but still I wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend. What would it be like to have someone to support and feel supported by? I want to date and have a boyfriend but I actually think I want to run more.
My injury last year gave me the opportunity to have some fun and date many men. Getting back into shape has shown me that my play and fun is derived from running fast and being fit. My peeps are the people of VFAC and the elites at the front of the pack. I do feel a remote connection to the gay community but I do not feel a part of the community. I still feel like a runner first.
For the next few months I am going to try and embrace the lack of balance in my life. I need to ensure I maintain periods of recovery when I can dabble with the homos. I also must ensure I continue to have fun going out as well as training. My difficulty will continue to be my issue with a desire to win races and also find a boyfriend (although to be honest, with all the dates I have been on and what feels like a total lack of dating karma I am not hopeful I will meet a cool gent).
Training is going very well after having a little bout with strep throat. I had a terrific track workout yesterday running without my usual group who were getting ready for Scotia Half. I was able to descend a workout of 400s with a closing 63 by myself. It was cold and windy on the track and the heavens opened for our last 4 repeats so I am very happy with this effort on my own. I have also started running to the track which adds an extra 2 miles to my warm up. A quick hard workout on tired legs is very exciting!
I leave on Wednesday for Toronto and then off to Nova Scotia. I feel like my racing season is just starting and I am hoping to come away with a couple of wins!