It is my birthday.
I do not want to get old. There was a brief period in adolescence when I wanted to grow up, about 5 days. For the majority of my life I have not wanted to get older. For the most part I have wanted to stop the clock of time and maintain my youthful enthusiasm and strong wiry body.
I also recognize that the opposite of getting old is dying young. This is not an appealing alternative to getting old. I have to understand that in many ways it will be a privilege to grow old and die in my 90s. What I want is to ensure I have a great quality of life into my older years.
Now that I am learning to appreciate the potential positives in aging I must also learn to age gracefully. I am finding myself thinking things like "are these jeans age appropriate?" or "should I sleep with this guy who is 22?" At 33 years old I am no longer young. The years of my youth are behind me and I am solidly an adult. I am out of the life of potential and into the life of 'this is as good as it gets'.
With the realization that my potential in many respects has been reached I can reflect on running and my goals for the future. I want to run fast again and with every workout and long run I want to run more and more. I want to win races. I do not know if I will ever run another best time. I still have that hope but I do not know if it will happen. I would like to run sub 31 again though. At 33 I must be aware that my body will not respond like it used to and I must act accordingly which leads me to...
...I think my partying days are done for a while. I have had a great year of fun and excitement and I am getting tired. I have learned a lot over the past year about what makes me happy and what takes away from my quality of life. I have done a lot of dating and have met a few great men and developed some lasting friendships. I longed to live the crazy gay life and I have to a certain extent. That life is not really for me. I am getting too old to be out parting into the wee hours and I want to save my body for things that are more important to me, like maintaining my function into my 90s.
I have also learned a lot about the type of person I am and how what society prescribes is not what I need. I longed for a boyfriend and a love of my life and wrote long drawn out posts about how much it sucks to be single. Being single is not actually that bad. In fact is it really awesome. I am really thinking that I am not meant to have a boyfriend. I do not want to lose my independence and nor do I want someone curtailing the activities that make me happy. Of course if a Prince Charming came along I would go weak in the knees but it is no longer a priority in my life.
The best part of right now is that I am happy. I am figuring this life thing out and I have a really good thing going. I am content in how I live my life with a bit of a fire still burning. I still want to achieve and I still want to change the world but I am also aware that I have achieved and I am changing the world. I am having a positive impact on people's lives and I am living a good life. Things are just really good.
This morning I was up early and hit the glorious sunshine for a quality long run. I am a bit sore from yesterday but that shows me I am doing something right in my workouts! Onward and upward!