Ever have one of those days?
Today was one of them. From the moment I woke up and realized my scrubs were dirty, through the forgotten lunch, missed bus, work, missed bus again, pouring rain, shitty workout, inside out umbrella, heart burn and heart ache it has been a doozie of a day.
I hate today. Every year I think the same thing, 'next year I will have a Valentine!' and every year I think the same thing 'next year I will have a Valentine!' I have yet to have a Valentine. This year I feel particularly disappointed as I have made some major and difficult changes in my life. I stopped training in the hopes that a free schedule and party attitude would bring me into the fold of the homosexual man and lead me to find the man of my satisfaction (I am not holding out for dreams anymore). I am still in my apartment alone, typing at my computer.
When I was running competitively I always knew that a big reason I did not have a boyfriend was because I was training too hard to have the time. The men I would meet would not understand the drive and passion involved in running at an elite level. My body appeared frail and much too skinny for today's homo and I did not have time to party or date extensively. Now that I have had time to date and have a more well rounded life I am still repeatedly running into the same brick wall. I am pretty certain it is me that is the problem.
I am stuck. I want to run but I also do not want to be lonely for the rest of my life. I want to be fast but I am sick of being a skinny runt. I want to win races but I do not want to be invisible when I go out after. Herein lies the difficulty of being a gay runner. I will never meet a gay runner. I feel like I will never meet a man who would understand running and putting all your energy into one simple yet pointless endeavor. I think of my heterosexual former teammates who met their significant others on the cross country team and wish things could have been different for me.
I am slowly getting back into running consistently. My goal is to run 5 times this week. I have 2 runs completed already so the last 3 should be nice and easy. I also want to try a tempo this week as well.