Gosh, I do not know how to write this blog.
This summer has been interesting and one of the most fun summers I have ever had. In the early summer I ran fast though got injured and burnt out from running. My injury enabled me to take some time off from the normal grind and party and be crazy. I dated a wonderful man for a personal best length of time. I guess I lived the gay life that a dedicated athlete could not. I think I am getting bored with the gay party life.
I am unsure if it is the changing seasons or my general flip/flop madness that is making me unsatisfied with how things are going. If I think about the last couple of weekends and ventures into the scene I can report not the most fun. Most of the time I am out, I feel out of place and from all the reports I am getting I also look out of place. I look uncomfortable and unfriendly. I am not approachable and I do not have the confidence to approach people. The more I go out, the more I am starting to feel out of place.
If I think of the places where I feel like I belong I continue to come back to the track or on pool deck. I love sport and I love to train. I love to train with a specific goal in mind. I love the kinetic pleasure of running or swimming. I also love to dance but much in the same fashion I love to run. When I want to go out and dance I want to dance. I do not want to pick up or flirt with men. I want to hear music and get swept up in the collective energy of the crowd. I want the pulsing music and energy of the club to carry me away.
I have had a long break from running and training. I am starting to miss training. Seeing the results of Mr O'connor this weekend at the Royal Victoria Marathon inspired me. I also had a bit of a long run this morning with my friend Bombshell. On this run we talked about all the things we both loved and hated about running. We also talked about how much fun going out is, when in the form of celebration of a goal accomplished.
The weight I have gained over the last couple of months has been nice. It feels good to get checked out and get acknowledged. Although this has been nice it really is not me. It is me bowing to the pressures of being gay and trying to fit into a world that I am still trying to figure out. The truth is, I do not really feel like I belong on the party scene. To reiterate, I look awkward and uncomfortable when I am out with friends. When I am running and training I feel at home. I am more comfortable in spandex on a track than in jeans in a club.
If you are reading this than you may have figured out that I have had a bit of a turn around, about face, 360 weekend. I am slowly going to get myself back into running shape and possibly start training again in January. I still have running goals I want to accomplish with the most important one being fun. The goals of muscles seems somehow empty to me unless it makes me faster in some way. I will still go to the gym but eventually I will start to get super skinny again, and that is just fine. I do not think big muscles would look good on me anyways.
I am still struggling with what it means to be gay in 2010. I tried really hard to be the quintessential stereotypical gay and it just was not me. I guess I wanted the interior to match what people may have thought of the exterior. If anything this whole experience, although really fun, has taken a chunk out of my ego and has made me feel a bit lost. In many ways I do not really know who I am anymore. All things I once believed in I have questioned and walked away from. I almost feel like I sold out.
I am an achiever. I like to work towards a goal and do something that only a few dedicated people can do. I love running. I am slowly getting over both my injury and burnout. I am starting to crave the pain again. I am craving effortless speed. I am craving crossing the finish line first.
What's old is new again.