I just got home from the Arcade Fire concert and it was amazing! They are currently touring and if you can get tickets you really should go!
I am totally wired at the present moment so I will write.
What do you want to be when you grow up? How do you know when you are there?
Every other day I have a new thing that I want to be when I grow up. My latest idea is to be a fashion designer. I have no skills or experience besides shopping and watching Project Runway. Somehow I do not think either of those would prepare me to enter the world of high fashion. But the thing is, I want to be a fashion designer.
I was never one to want to grow up. I was content to have my future in front of me filled with possibility. I somehow had an innate knowledge that one day I would stop getting better and things would go downhill. Sometimes they go downhill fast. There are a lot of bell curves in our life. I wonder which bell curves in my life are now below the mean.
Being a runner I am a forward seeker. The training for a win starts not weeks or months before a race but rather years prior. One must plan their lives for a future long in the distance and maintain a focus on the future. Throughout the planning and preparing there are many, many hours spent dreaming of the feeling of achieving the goal. There are nights spent wondering what it will feel like when it 'all comes together' or when 'it clicks'. When that goal is crossed off the list it is bitter sweet.
The initial euphoria of finishing is shortly followed by a feeling of 'what now?' When the goal was it, is there any next?
I want to be a fashion designer. It looks like fun. The reality is that being a fashion designer will not make me happy. I will achieve the goal and look for something else. I am restless by nature which makes me a bit surprised I was able to maintain my focus on running for an extended period of time. It may be the loss of constant goals that is causing a bit of a loss in my life. Where am I going? What is next? Am I at the peak of my life bell curve?
After an amazing summer, which has suddenly turned into a very promising autumn, I am a bit wary. I want to maintain the momentum I have generated. I want to develop a balance in my life yet still push forward towards new goals. I do not want all my goals to be superficial and narcissistic yet those are the type soliciting the majority of my attention. I guess I am wondering if working on the superficial aspects of my being as well as the spiritual aspects is hypocritical? Would Buddha go to the gym to get a buff bod to get all the ladies? Will my new found superficial attitudes knock me off the bell curve or boost me higher?
I do not want to grow up because I do not want to become stagnant. I want to be dynamic. I want to be engaged. I want to dance for hours while listening to loud music. I want to be involved in a collective experience. I will not grow up to be boring or worse, bored. I do not want to yard sale* that bell curve.
Maybe I will always be growing up. No. I will always continue to keep growing up. Fuck bell curves. I am going keep this upward swing going.
* Yard Sale: When one crashes while alpine skiing and loses their equipment.