Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Arcade Fire!

I just got home from the Arcade Fire concert and it was amazing! They are currently touring and if you can get tickets you really should go!

I am totally wired at the present moment so I will write.

What do you want to be when you grow up? How do you know when you are there?

Every other day I have a new thing that I want to be when I grow up. My latest idea is to be a fashion designer. I have no skills or experience besides shopping and watching Project Runway. Somehow I do not think either of those would prepare me to enter the world of high fashion. But the thing is, I want to be a fashion designer.

I was never one to want to grow up. I was content to have my future in front of me filled with possibility. I somehow had an innate knowledge that one day I would stop getting better and things would go downhill. Sometimes they go downhill fast. There are a lot of bell curves in our life. I wonder which bell curves in my life are now below the mean.

Being a runner I am a forward seeker. The training for a win starts not weeks or months before a race but rather years prior. One must plan their lives for a future long in the distance and maintain a focus on the future. Throughout the planning and preparing there are many, many hours spent dreaming of the feeling of achieving the goal. There are nights spent wondering what it will feel like when it 'all comes together' or when 'it clicks'. When that goal is crossed off the list it is bitter sweet.

The initial euphoria of finishing is shortly followed by a feeling of 'what now?' When the goal was it, is there any next?

I want to be a fashion designer. It looks like fun. The reality is that being a fashion designer will not make me happy. I will achieve the goal and look for something else. I am restless by nature which makes me a bit surprised I was able to maintain my focus on running for an extended period of time. It may be the loss of constant goals that is causing a bit of a loss in my life. Where am I going? What is next? Am I at the peak of my life bell curve?

After an amazing summer, which has suddenly turned into a very promising autumn, I am a bit wary. I want to maintain the momentum I have generated. I want to develop a balance in my life yet still push forward towards new goals. I do not want all my goals to be superficial and narcissistic yet those are the type soliciting the majority of my attention. I guess I am wondering if working on the superficial aspects of my being as well as the spiritual aspects is hypocritical? Would Buddha go to the gym to get a buff bod to get all the ladies? Will my new found superficial attitudes knock me off the bell curve or boost me higher?

I do not want to grow up because I do not want to become stagnant. I want to be dynamic. I want to be engaged. I want to dance for hours while listening to loud music. I want to be involved in a collective experience. I will not grow up to be boring or worse, bored. I do not want to yard sale* that bell curve.

Maybe I will always be growing up. No. I will always continue to keep growing up. Fuck bell curves. I am going keep this upward swing going.

Happy Training!

* Yard Sale: When one crashes while alpine skiing and loses their equipment.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I was going to write a summer round up post but instead I did some self reflection and goal setting. I will use this as a preview.

Until then,

Happy Training!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Re Run

I went for a run yesterday.

In total I ran for 30 minutes and it felt satisfactory. Of note I must mention that I had no foot pain during my run which is somewhat of a milestone. I am starting to think that walking is more of an issue than running.

I was on a bit of a road trip with the man I am dating. It was a great extra long weekend and very fun. At one point during the trip he asked me why I stopped running when I seem to want to continue to be training.

I am still learning to transition to being a normal person. It is a struggle to let go of something that has had such an immense positive impact on my life. I also do not want to abandon any chance of running competitively again. Although I want to gain weight and get healthy I also want to maintain a level of fitness that would enable me to get into race shape within 3 to 5 months of training. I continue to entertain the idea of racing Nationals Cross Country in Vancouver 2011 or 2012. If I could get fit again and injury free I could have a great day.

I am trying to transition into life and to grow up a bit. I am slowly doing this. Dating a man for almost a couple of months has been very educational. It is the longest relationship I have ever had and it has been good. Unfortunately it comes to an end on Friday as the man I am dating moves back to Ontario. I do not think I would have been able to have this relationship if I was still running competitively. The energy that running and life take limit my ability to manage outside of running. I long for rest and solitude when I train.

Something I have learned about relationships is that one needs energy to invest into them, especially when they are beginning. One had to be able to drop everything when that man sends out a text or be flexible when making plans. People read quite a bit into things we do not do. If I think to the past and the time I spent with people I dated versus the time I was putting into running it is very apparent my priority was not relationship. When I tell men that I cannot go out on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday or stay out too late on Saturday night he hears, "I am just not that into you". When I am tired from a workout and would rather have a glass of wine at home than go out he feels I do not want to be seen out in public with him.

Looking forward I want to be able to devote time and energy to meeting someone special and maintaining a percentage of my previous fitness. I am still working on gaining weight and muscle with results already becoming apparent (although if you know anything about muscle physiology you will understand that by merely sitting on my ass my muscles will get bigger). When I have a love and a stable life balancing a meaningful and loving relationship with a career and social life I may enter the world of competitive running again. I know I want to race again, I just do not know when. Yesterday's run was somewhat inspirational, if only to tell me that I want to maintain a semblance of fitness, just in case.

Happy Training!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Happiness Is...

..A fresh cup of coffee at 10:30.

I am on vacation. Today is the first day of my 2 week vacation and so far it is going great. I wish this was my career. So far today I have slept in, had breakfast with my man, swum and now I am blogging before heading to the tennis court to hit some balls. Tonight I also hope to get into the gym. I am making pot roast for supper too!

Being happy is nice. I have been thinking about running a lot lately. I am enjoying my time off the roads and trails and I have not run in over a week and a half. Although I am still working out daily I no longer feel the urge or desire to run that much. I am beginning to see that running was making me very unhappy.

There are times when I wonder how I was able to train as hard as I did. There are more times when I wonder what kind of Sadian I was to end up punishing myself so much in order to run fast. I was constantly tired and angry. There were many times when I would blame being sad or unhappy on living situation, drugs/alcohol, job, not enough sleep, etc. The one element of my life that I have taken out has been running and I feel really good and very happy. I have been consistently in good cheer since stopping hard training. Coincidence?

I am continuing to enjoy exploring the recreation activities that free time and added energy enable. I went to a really cool restaurant/lounge in East Van called Bao Bei. It was very cool with an awesome vibe. I was happy to have worn my skinny jeans with my Bean Boots as there was not one person in the restaurant who was not dressed well. I even noticed a strikingly beautiful woman wearing jodhpurs. This hole in the wall is worth checking out for the sole reason of finding cool fashion and hot waiters. My drink was pretty good too!

In the next couple of weeks I am going to try and think of some profound thoughts.

Over and Out

Monday, September 6, 2010


Autumn has arrived in Vancouver with cool evenings and rainy days. Normally this marks the beginning of cross country season, this year marks the beginning of weight season.

I have started my weight program and I can report muscle fatigue and pain. It is a different experience to be in the weight room not exhausted from a hard long run. I think I may actually like doing weights. I will definitely like getting bigger and muscular. I am still struggling with eating though. I am forcing myself to eat more although it is a struggle.

The transition from runner to whatever I am becoming is much easier than I thought it would be. Every once and a while I am struck with a motivation to run. Then I get distracted and a couple days later I will get a faint urge again. I have run only once in the last week (I am losing track) and I am fine with that. I am starting to lose the felling of having to run. I still have the need to move and exercise though. What is going on? I loved running so much and now I am totally indifferent to this sport that has given me more than I can put into words.

My current indifference may be due to a few reasons, mainly total burnout. Secondly I have been able to pack my time with activities that I have never done because of running. For instance, I went out twice this weekend and was not in bed until the wee hours of the morning on Sunday. Instead of a long run on Sunday I slept in, drank coffee and watched the world go by. I spent the day napping and treating myself. It was a wonderful day of rest and relaxation. I feel a sense of freedom from my usual constraints and it is wonderful.

Another contributing factor to my contentment with my current situation may be dating. I am dating a man. We have been dating for a few weeks and it is nice. I figure I have bitched about being single so much that I should also report when things are good. Things are good.

What I do not want to happen is finding a obsessive need to fill the void that running has left. I have caught myself wondering how I managed to find the time to complete all the many activities I had in the past few years. Now that I have extra time I have packed even more into my schedule. I am going to shows, movies, boat cruises, bars/clubs, concerts and events like they are going out of style. If I am not careful I am going to burn myself out of life too!

I think this is kind of an aimless post, I have no direction to go. Has this become my life? My priorities may just be a bit up in the air right now as I am possibly attempting to find a new balance between my driven and focused personality and the plethora of exciting recreational opportunities that are here in the city.

On the exciting news front I only have 4 days until vacation! Although I have an education day smack in the middle of vacation I am sure it will still be fun. I am looking to take a short road trip and do a lot of weights and swimming and resting and cleaning!

I may have lied a bit. I was thinking about national cross country championships. They are in Vancouver next year. Just saying.

Happy Training!