My name is J. and I am an addict. I am addicted to training.
I swam 4000m tonight including 1 km hard freestyle in a pyramid and 500 backstroke build. I worked hard tonight and got the heart rate jumping. It felt tough and I loved it!
I have an addiction to training hard and how it makes my body feel. During a long hard workout there is always the fleeting thought of 'I went too hard and I am not going to finish'. When this thought hits my mind I usually pick up my pace and try to work harder. I love when this pace causes a jump in heart rate, increase in breathing and pain. I love to train and I love to work hard.
This innate love of movement and training is what has made me a good runner and athlete. I love the feeling of a hard workout regardless of the discipline in which it occurs. Obviously I enjoy cardiovascular activity more than weights but even those I am beginning to tolerate. Tonight's workout in the pool was a nice wake up to training and I enjoyed it very much.
My lack of running over the past weeks and increase in swimming is causing some changes in my body. I am starting to lose the starvation/runner look and gain a bit of muscle. My sternum has become less prominent as I have gained some pecs. I am starting to fill out my extra small shirt and generally look better. I also feel better. I am not getting fat though (and nor will I ever!).
I am starting to feel more like a human. I do not want to feel average but I do want to feel a bit closer to normal. It is nice to have a life where every night is not planned around a run or a really hard workout. Tomorrow night I am going to Costco and last night I spent the evening with a new friend. These two events would have been impossible a few months ago due to my training schedule. I am still working out and sporadically training hard, but I am now enjoying the training and having fun. I am also sleeping much better.
I am still running though only a couple of times a week. My foot is still very sore and last night I needed some heavy duty pain killers and 30 minutes of ice to be able to walk today. This is a plantar injury and obviously I am paying the price. My rest is working really well and I am noticing it in little areas. I notice when I am cycling to work; it is not a chore anymore. I notice when I meet new people; I do not zone out after 10 minutes. I notice in the evenings; I can stay up past 10 without caffeine. I notice in my mood; I am really happy.
I am continuing to have a great summer. I feel healthy and ready for the world. I was commenting to my friend Legs the other night that I feel I am the happiest I have been since being a child. We had an interesting conversation about each of our lives and what had gone into shaping our current selves. We both had challenges in our lives that had an impact on how we see the world today. Legs happens to be very self aware. I am not as much in certain respects, or at least I was not in the past.
Part of moving beyond hurt or disappointment is being able to look at an event and address the emotion and impact of that event. For some people this may take weeks while for others months. In my case it has been many years. Part of moving beyond hurt or pain is being able to learn about ourselves and how the trauma of our past can teach us to be better now. It is also key to see how the hurt of the past may limit us in the present and prevent us from meaningful experiences. I am almost getting the puzzle of history together to enable creating a great picture for the future.
Summer is not over yet. Is the best yet to come?
I have been thinking of death and dying a bit lately and also mortality. In light of feeling great I think this is an odd thing to be thinking about. A future blog to get excited for!