Saturday, May 1, 2010

32

I was going to try and avoid this but alas it is necessary.

There are a couple of times a year when I take a few moments to sit down and reflect on my life. I like to think about what has passed, what is happening now and what I see in the future. I take the time to think of my dreams of youth and my bedtime imaginings while waiting to fall asleep. I compare these dreams to my reality now and wonder if the pictures match.

I firmly recall laying in bed as a closeted 14 year old, dreaming of a life when I could be open about who I want to love and not living with shame or guilt about this love. I had images of waking up in the morning with a man by my side, his warmth and energy enveloping me with a protective blanket to help me through the day. I would dream of my love walking through the door to find me with dinner on the table and only an apron to hide my wonderful gifts.

I had a dream that I would be a success. In my dreams I had a good job and money. I was always an athlete (at 14 I was going to be an Olympic skier) and very successful. I would fall asleep with images of throwing myself down a mountain with my bright yellow Volkls rattling over the icy terrain. Some how in those adolescent dreams I would manage to hold down a meaningful career while also being a World Cup Ski racer.

Now that I am 32 I can look back at those dreams with a touch of nostalgia for my blind innocence and hope for the future. Although I had big dreams they really were just that, big dreams. I have always been practical and a bit pragmatic. I never really thought these dreams would come true and when I woke up in the morning I would be slapped with my reality of going to a school I hated while also hating myself and what the practical me envisioned as my real future.

Looking back at my 14 year old 'pipe dream' makes me think of how fortunate I have become. I am living a life that I thought would be a dream. My current life is a dream come true, with the obvious exception.

It is on days like today when I kind of feel like a failure. In reality we are put on this world to meet someone, fall in love and procreate. Although I am successful I am a complete and utter failure in the whole procreation thing. Obviously I am gay so nothing is really going to happen anyways. But looking more globally at this, as a male, I should be getting out there and fucking around and generally being a stud. I could not imagine having a conversation with an eligible man let alone dating or even having sex. I feel so detached from intimacy that I fear I would not even know what to do if presented with the situation.

I feel I blog on this topic way too much but it is reality. If I were in love I would be blogging about my wonderful boyfriend and how we are so perfect for each other. I would be thanking him for supporting my running and being at the finish line. I would blog about how I was feeling tired at the end of the race but seeing my lover's face gave me the drive to run a best time. I would attempt to wax poetic about the difference his balance has made in my running life.

Looking forward to year 32 I do not really have a dream but more of a fear. What if I never meet a man to share all I have now? Running and being an elite athlete are centre to who I am. I am scared I will never meet a man who knows and understands this part of my life. This part of my life that makes me who I am. I do not think anyone could really get to know me unless they saw me limping after a hard workout, exhausted and totally detached after a long run or totally ecstatic and spent after a hard race. When I think of a future love I want him to know me now. I want him to know the elite runner with all the foibles and fabulousness that comes with the drive and passion. I want him to know me at my best and to see the building blocks of who I have become.

So 32 eh? I do not even want to guess what is going to happen. I am hoping some more of the adolescent pipe dream becomes a reality.

Happy Training!

3 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday Jay, if only you were a female or I was gay, we would have had so much fun...Hugs and kisses today only, KO

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  2. J. D., I want you to know that I was deeply moved by this post, and I'll tell you why.
    In 1992, I was 32 years old, and I still hadn't found the person I wanted to share the rest of my life with. In fact, I was certain, at that stage, that I never would. I knew being gay and getting older were not a good match. Who wants to be with an older gay man? I'd started to believe I'd be alone for the rest of my life. I even told myself, after years of looking for the right person, that I'd be fine with that if it was my fate.
    Well, on June 13 of the same year, I met the most incredible man. He was ten years younger than me. We had so much in common, I couldn't believe it. He was one of the most amazing human beings I'd ever met. We hit it off and will celebrate our eighteenth anniversary this June. We love each other dearly, and we are completely monogamous. He has transformed my life in ways I never could have imagined. I could not have asked for a greater blessing. We intend to spend the rest of our lives together. I couldn't be happier.
    Your post moved me because I was where you are now at the exact same age. And I had given up. Unbeknownst to me, greater things awaited me than I ever could have imagined. And I want you to believe the same can happen to you, because it can. Have faith. Believe. When you least expect it, your life will be transformed too. If I can find the love of my life, you can find the love of yours. I truly believe that.
    Since Chris and I moved to Maple Ridge, where there is no Fitness World, we've begun to run outdoors. I've never enjoyed physical fitness more. I look forward to my runs every time I go out. For the first time in my life, I understand why runners love to run as much as they do.
    Thanks for writing this heartfelt post--for your honesty and for sharing your dreams. Don't give up. Never give up. The best awaits you. I'm confident of that.

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  3. Thanks for you comment Rick! I will try to believe!

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