I expect a lot from myself and typically not as much from others. Is this a failed or defeated way of looking at the world? Should we expect as much of others as we do ourselves? First let me report on my training.
Today I hit a bit of a road block called my left foot. As I walked home from work I felt a shooting pain in my foot causing me to almost wipe out. I thought for a panicked instant that I may have to call a taxi to get home but thankfully the pain resolved and I was able to continue on my way. As I did not want to get stuck somewhere while out on a run I decided to run on the treadmill at the gym tonight. I ran 4 miles in total at 6:30 pace. I almost fell off the machine around 3 times when the pain came a calling. I managed to stay on the treadmill and would have run longer if not for the pain. After finishing my run I hit the weights for an annoying session. None of the weights or machines I was seeking were free and instead of quickly ripping off my sets I sat and waited for the big fat goons to finish their workouts. I finished my workout with a good core workout and my abs are still burning. I cannot wait for summer so I can rip off my shirt and run with my 6 to 8 pack firmly and solidly in place.
As I was heading to the shower I quickly glanced at a man who from a distance may have been considered attractive. On closer inspection he was far from anything I would date. Once into the shower I got to thinking. Most people would consider this man attractive and would sleep with him, am I too picky? I have been told I am picky, that maybe my expectations of what I can find are unrealistic. Seriously, what I am looking for is a man with less then 10% body fat, graduate education, a good professional career, a sense of style, a sense of humor, ability to carry a conversation, good sex drive, manners, healthy lifestyle and cute. When I tell people what I am looking for they stare at me as if I am from outer space and call me picky.
What I am looking for in someone else is nothing more then what I look for and expect from myself. Is it unrealistic to expect from a partner as much as I expect from myself? Should they be held to lower standards than I hold myself? To be honest I have already lowered my expectations of others. I have lowered them to the point that I know what I desire does not exist. What I desire will never come to fruition. The one expectation I will never drop is the expectation and belief I have in myself. For in many ways I have my perfect man within my sights already. He has less then 10% body fat, a wicked 6 pack, cute skinny trousers, a great job, amazing and inspiring friends and he can run like the wind. I am learning to be content with the most important relationship I have, with myself. Learning to love oneself is often the hardest thing to learn.
I was wondering as I walked home from the gym when I lost my great expectations of others. It has been a slow erosion of faith. There are series of events in our lives that chip into the belief that someone else will always be there to help or support us. It is a survival skill to be able to swim on ones own without the support or assistance of others. It may be a lonely existence but it can be very effective. It may start with the first realization that our parents are neither immortal nor able to protect us from pain. It continues when we are first betrayed by our best friend or left out of an activity. At last when we enter the real world our expectations of others are crushed when we enter the working world and discover that we are all disposable. There will always be another employee to fill your shoes. Expectations crumble when forgotten by friends, ignored by 99% of the population, been on dozens of failed dates and faced with continual disappointment delivered from others. When the only plan one can count on is one they make to complete on their own then great expectations collapse.
This is all not to say I am not continually surprised by the joy and generosity of others. But, it would be nice not to be surprised. It would be exceptional to have high expectations of others and have those expectations fulfilled. It would be nice to expect of others nothing less then I would expect from myself. Alas, my expectations have been crushed. I expect only the best from myself, or at least the best that I can be. As for others I hope and pray for surprises. As I learned at a very young age "the only person you can depend on is yourself".
It is obvious I am into the rhythm of my training and the consequential pensive and slightly depressed mood. I am into the cadence of training and thus have stopped even thinking of making plans on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday day and Sunday. It has taken a bit to get into focus but I am back. Things will be a bit more serious for a while but that is what I have grown to expect. When the going gets tough I will ensure to get some awesome new things!
Wednesday: 4 miles, core and weights