I have lost my motivation to train.
I feel great. I am in a great mood, I feel fit and I have had a great holiday so far. Christmas was non-traditional with a delicious salmon meal and a group of gay men. I have had a few easy runs and few trips to the gym and some core work. I have taken time to go for walks, take some photos and adjust to a slightly slower pace of life.
The thing is, I feel great. This is the best I have felt in a long time and I have to admit that part of this feeling is knowing that not only do I not have to run mileage but that I cannot because of my recent surgery. There is a weight off of my shoulders.
When I take a moment to sit back and think about why I run there are a plethora of reasons. When I take a moment to reflect on why I race the reasons are becoming fewer and fewer. I love competition but I think I am starting to lose my drive to succeed. Up until recently I did not really think of the choices I have made to run faster as sacrifices, looking forward I am thinking of the sacrifices I will need to make to run a good marathon.
It is not that I want to spend more time being gay, I want to spend more time being myself. I would really love to add some muscle to my tiny frame and I would love to be able to walk pain free when I wake up in the morning. I would love to go for drinks after work and not worry about getting in my workout. I would love to have a salad at lunch and not worry about vomiting when I run. I would love the freedom to make last minute decisions and random travel plans. As it stands I have my life planned until May with marathon training with a few open spots for a bit of randomness.
I love running. I love the freedom it affords me in the moment and in many ways it is how I play. At present I love running because I am fit and it feels easy. It is many years of training that have made running easy and total joy for me. Without training and competing it will be a quick road to 'out of shape' and then running with lose it's appeal and I will have lost something that means so much to me.
I guess what I have to find in my life is balance. A balance between the joy of training and running and my desire to have a less regimented life. By working less in the new year I will be able to be more flexible as I will have more time to mix up my workouts and train. I also have to realize that I only run for me. Running is totally mine. I do not have a sponsor nor do I have anyone telling me to run. There is nothing forcing me to run besides my intrinsic desire to train and my love of running. I will also have to find a balance between the need to be lean and light and my want of a muscled frame.
Maybe my new years resolution should be to try and find balance. Although I am also thinking about my plan for the next 6 months and what races I will be doing and travel. Oy, this is tough...I am loving the energy with time off and also love to plan my next success. Strangely absent from all this 6 month planning is a man. I think love has gone to the back burner. I guess with my lack of motivation I wonder is something going to give or will I get an epiphany of some sort?
2010 will be interesting!
Thursday: 6 miles and core
Friday: 6 Miles and weights with core