When god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window.
Under the theme of climbing every mountain I have had a busy and interesting weekend. I have been trying to broaden my perspectives while on my training break to mixed results. After a few weekends of going out, attempting to meet people and dating I am ready to return to my normal reclusive self and focus on running again. It has been fun but also frustrating. I was happy to have a long run yesterday with a good run today to regain some sense of normalcy in my life.
I have gone through the revolving door of the dating world. To be honest I have never really ever had a good date. I can compare it to my experience running the 300m indoor. I got really nervous before the event as it was something that I wanted to do well yet I was unsure if I was going to be a good fit for this event. Upon starting the race (or dates) I felt both relieved and really uncomfortable while finding myself floundering at the back of the pack. Towards the end of the race I was able to find my legs and push hard to the finish line to place second last. The race went by so fast that I was barely conscious of how painful it was and how I was not suited to the experience. On reflection after the race I realized that I was not the worst 300m runner in the Maritimes, but pretty close. I feel the same about dating. It is anxiety provoking, uncomfortable and the results are usually not terrible but very close. Upon reflection after almost every date I have been on I think of how painful that was and have a sense of relief when it is over.
With the door just about slammed on dating I am beginning to realize a couple of things. First, I am not meant to date or maybe I am undatable. Second, without a boyfriend I will have much more time to devote to myself and training. With the door to relationships closed the window to focus and selfishness can be opened. I see others who are in relationships, especially new relationships, and regard the amount of time they spend with each other, doing nothing but staring into each others eyes and gently stroking each other, as a total and complete waste of time. If I am running 100 miles a week I will have time and energy to sleep, eat and be grumpy. Not auspicious for building a solid relationship. When I am training I need to be selfish to protect my goals and my body. There will be no late night dancing or painful and depressing dates to clutter my sparse lifestyle and add to what will be a very delicate countenance.
When I look back on the last few weeks I can at least be comforted with the knowledge that I tried my hardest with all the tools possible at my disposal to expose myself to the world of the gay man. I have gone to several clubs in the city multiple times. I have been on quite a few dates and I have shamelessly used this blog in an effort to meet men, all to no avail. When it comes right down to it, maybe I am an outlier on the bell curve of love. I can be heartened by the words of Mother Superior when speaking to a terrified and in love Maria. "When god closes a door, somewhere he opens a window". The freedom to be by myself will open a window to training that others do not have.
I am adding yet another feature, mileage. I have gone a few years without counting mileage, that stops this week as I get serious.