I am into my taper for Toronto and I am beginning to get revved.
I have written about tapering before and how it is longed for yet when it finally arrives it can be hard to deal with. Somewhere along the lines of 'be careful what you wish for'. I am not going to fully taper for my race coming up as I still have some very important races forthcoming. It is only a partial taper but it is still causing me to be totally wired. On top of being totally wired I have also lost my coping mechanism, which is running.
I am naturally a bit high strung, although I do a good job to pretend to be chill. My mind has a tendency to race and if a bit of stress gets thrown into my life it gets difficult to slow myself down. Here is where running has been such a gift. When I am training or at least running daily my mind slows down and I get rid of my pent up emotion through running. If something unexpected gets thrown into my path I can react appropriately and although I will get stressed it is manageable. Currently I am feeling out of sorts.
To combat this I have been cleaning my room. I spent the morning repacking my walk-in closet, putting away my summer clothes, doing laundry, recycling old clothes and shoes and packing for my trip. I recycled at least 15 pairs of running shoes, yikes, a lot of money! I have also refiled all my paperwork from the past two years, organized all my old racing bibs and now I am about to shred some old paper work that I no longer need. I guess I am trying to organize in my life what I can, while I feel other aspects start to spin away. Everything in my room is now controlled into it's appropriate box/shelf/file.
Maybe the true reason I love running and sport in general is more about control then anything else. When I am running I am in control. A coach can tell me what to do but in the end I am the one who controls my body. I decide when to go hard or when to take it easy. I decide who I am going to run with or what workouts I am going to show up for. I am in control. There are so many aspects of our lives that we do not control. I am blessed that the most important part of my life is in my control, it is mine.
The control I have with running is something I have always loved. I am the youngest in a family of over talkers. Growing up I had 4 parents consisting of my mom and my 3 siblings. I had no control over my life. Running was finally a place where I could go to have control. I could get away from expectations, the fear of disappointing others and run. Running was mine. It was a place I could be gay and day dream about being swept off my feet by some handsome man. I was in control and I could escape the will of others.
As my life sometimes seems to spin out of control I have grown to appreciate running and sport more and more. It may be part of the reason I am now splitting my training between two groups, I need to control this one very important part of my life. Sometimes I wish life was bit more simple, like a fairytale. Straight forward. Grow up, meet a high school sweetheart, fall in love, get married, career, kids, retire, die. My life is not like that at all. It is no where near the fairytale where everything falls effortlessly into place. My life is work, it is hard, and more and more my pleasure comes from running a few good friends. I have given up on the fairytale. In my life it does not exist. The only thing I control is me, and my running. A control that I will never give up.
I am still vibrating after an easy run yesterday and a day off today. Here is hoping they turn into good vibrations.