Sometimes I wonder why I do this.
The initial exhaustion and agitation that comes with training has hit. It happened yesterday at around 1:30. I had run a too fast long run in the morning then met up with my swim training group to head to Kits Pool. Thank goodness Kirsty drove because if not I would not have made it to the pool otherwise. I swam 2 laps of the pool before getting annoyed with the disorder and random swimming of the people in the pool. I promptly left the pool and spent the rest of the time getting some sun while ruminating about the disorder and mayhem in the pool. I may have also complained about the cool temperature of the pool. I was slightly despondent for the remainder of the afternoon with my friends prompting me to either smile or participate in conversation.
I love running and training but I must admit the exhaustion I feel makes even simple social interaction difficult. I have reduced frustration tolerance, little patience and become slightly aggressive and frank in conversation. For example; last night I played tennis with a friend. It was great fun but I was really tired by the end. For the last bit a hot guy played with us. Normally this would be a great opportunity to find a new playmate. I was so tired that I could barely make conversation and did not even flirt. I became frustrated with his banal conversation and quickly lost interest. Am I even gay when I am training hard?
It is at times like this, when I become angry and embittered due to training, that I begin to wonder if I want to go to the dark place required to run faster. The strange thing is that running is when I actually feel better and good. Another example; I had a very long Monday today after an excellent weekend packed with time with friends, training and enjoying the glorious weather here in Vancouver. All day today I was tired, a bit sharp with some of the Docs. and not my usual cheery self. After work I headed to the pool to run with my friends Sony and Nick before our swim. I was a little angry and disheartened before hitting the Sea Wall for an 'easy' off day run. Once I was off and running I felt an instant release of the day's exhaustion and stress. I felt light and relaxed and enjoyed the run with friends. We even finished the run with a little race, I totally out kicked the other two guys. After finishing the run, then the subsequent swim, I felt much better then I had all day. Ought I be able to tolerate a day of anger for a run of joy?
I do not have to run. It is a choice I make because I love the feeling of freedom it gives me. I train because it makes my locomotion of choice, running, effortless and easy. I have confidence from knowing I have a passion and a love that cannot be easily had. Running is the love of my life with all the passion and fire of a steamy love affair. There have been tears of joy and sorrow. Rage from a disappointing result or joy from a personal best. I have felt loneliness from being unable to run and boredom from over familiarity. It is this choice I make that I must respect and acknowledge as I continue on the path of exhaustion and frustration to personal bests. In 10 years time I will not recall the frustrating day of work Monday July 27th, but I will remember running sub 30:30!